When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
