I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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