Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
