In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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