Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
