dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
