I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
