Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
