I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Randomize
