i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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