got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
