when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
