I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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