True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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