Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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