Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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