I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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