Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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