I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
