my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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