What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
