Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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