there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
