Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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