Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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