new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
