she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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