using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was not drunk enough for that final.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
