Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
whose ass print is on the piano?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
