Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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