Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
