my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
