He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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