Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We need to get me chipped asap
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