im about as happy as oj after his trial
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
