We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
