I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
