There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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