the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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