I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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