I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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