After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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