If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
