I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
