Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
