Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
