I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
