Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
