that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
