i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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