i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
