doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
3pm strippers are depressing
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
