I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
