the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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