i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
