I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
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pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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