We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
