the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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