We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
