At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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