wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
