the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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