Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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