you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
